Gave out candy dressed as a porn star...bet you can guess how the mothers kept reacting.
She asked me why there was $2 in the lunchmeat drawer of the fridge and BBQ sauce all over the kitchen... I'm not sure but I know it has something to do with you
How many times can I tell him I wasnt expecting sex before he realizes I'm just too lazy to shave all the time?
I have a huge gash on my chin. Did I get it from A) a mini siezure; B) an oral sex incident; C) Slamming it into a ledge or; D) all of the above?
he was definitely TRYING to give me herpes.
your like the ambassador to my penis.
Nobody has seen her in 3 days. Should we call the cops or hope this is just another drunk Carmen San Diego game she's playing?
I'm really high and I'm watching this show where Gordon Ramsay goes to other people's restaurants and just yells at them about things.
They kept barging in on us saying random shit. At one point they came in yelling room service! and threw soda at us bruising my foot. Weirdest injury I have gotten during sex.
Man i fell asleep on a random persons porch on the way home and woke up to the family banging on the windows trying to wake me up
I just told a guy I'm a cross of Kim K, Hilary Clinton and a dragon... He was still into it.
and idk now I have nine bags of lettuce in my fridge
I'm eating animal crackers on my bed next to my vibrator writing about the hopelessness and depravity of humanity. I am LIVING.
yeah, last night we handcuffed you and you started crying saying that you weren't a bad person
They're doing CPR to someone in the middle of Victoria's Secret. Way to block the undies, damnit!
Randomize
