Holy cold harsh reality of sobriety batman
there was this guy running across campus barefoot in the pouring rain stepping in all the puddles. i want his life. and i want to be stripper.
I'm trying to think of how to explain to the dentist tomorrow that I think I pulled my jaw muscle eating pizza while drunk.
You guys crashed sarahs vespa into a snowbank and its still there. not cool.
remind to leave next time the words "tequila" and "challenge" are shouted
Things I have learned since the start of my first college spring break: do not fart in an enclosed space (such as a shower stall) when hungover. You will throw up. More lessons to follow as week continues.
If a vagina could give out awards, you should be preparing an acceptance speech.
I was doing drugs in the men's room so my employee went in to the woman's for the same reason but left proof and got caught. Had to fire him cuz I bogarted his dope spot. Awesome.
We just took back to back grav bong hits and are playing battleship. She guessed Z - 12 so weve switched board games.
'go have sex with her' ddoes not count as wingman
How do I carry myself in a way that says "I swallow"?
It's like the hunger games, but we're gonna bone each other instead of kill each other
This is why you arnt allowed in pet stores
I'm still here... I feel so bad wearing your mom's cardigan at a strip club 🙈
I know... It's stupid... It's like, I have sex with his brother and bestfriend ONE time....
Randomize
