just bought miller high life, hungry man dinners, and a bottle of lube. you win life, you win.
At the hair cuttery. A father here with his daughter just answered his phone "ken's whorehouse"...Now I remember why I used to pay more for haircuts.
my mothers day present is going to be not puking at the table during brunch
dude she was givin me head and stops and looks up at me and tells me she loves me, then goes ''alright now cum in my mouth''.... pretty sure shes the one
complete strangers are now referring to me as 'the bourbon guy.' i can live with this.
I wish I could attach your penis to someone I like more than you.
she just came into my room, drunkenly shoved six dollars into my bra and told me to spend it on chicken wings.
...And then you kept screaming "cock mouth" in her face every time she tried to talk.
her wearing orange crocs at the bar was definitely a great form of contraception
In related news... Actually, nope. I don't have any orgy-related news. You win.
Fine line between drunken accidental sleepover with your best friend's lab partner and gay sexathon. I did a cartwheel over that line. A CARTWHEEL THAT LANDED IN HIS LAP
I left my ice cream out over night, it's melted, fuck this, I just poured Bailey's in it. Problems solved.
He gives me the same feeling I get when someone puts a margarita or German chocolate cake in front of me
if you're not jumping for joy when you see penis then you're looking at the wrong ones.
Went to bed in my room fully clothed, woke up naked in the kitchen with the dog looking unamused.
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