Only you could turn Mozart into a stripper song.
new low: my hungover self just mistook bacon grease for mashed potatoes. worst. mistake. ever.
She punched my vomit. In midair. Back into my mouth.
Quick question... Can I call you daddy? Or would that just really made the whole 8 year age gap a bigger deal...?
It feels like I'm being stabbed in the uterus with a rake. That night was totally worth it though. Thanks.
A big dick and how quickly they respond to snapchat is all I look for in a guy
The thought "Ummm which pants am I wearing? ...I *am* wearing pants, right?" just ran through my head. I'm done. So done.
You told him about your cats? I told his friend to put his dick in my mouth, and you talked about cats!?
I assume you passed out however I'm drinking jäger and beer in bed with my cat so your friendship world have been appreciated
I'm pretty sure the guy on the dance floor with crutches just smacked me in the butt with one. Do you think he's flirting?
he called me his ex's name during sex then proceeded to cry while still in me
Don't be weirded out, but my bondage straps are made of my ex boyfriend's curtains
In other news, my ex fuck buddy is a surprisingly good wingman.
Is it bad that whip cream tastes like sex to me?
Mass text: You have all failed me. How have the people I loved so much let me go so long in life without ever eating a McRib sandwich?!
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