i have a new swear word: supercalifuckaliciousexpialadamnit
Dude go to the top of pikes peak right now to catch Kevin Bacon's band performing
The bacon? Yeah right. What if there's Tremors?
Him and Burt have already taken care of that. It's a once in a lifetime chance to catch the Bacon brothers live in concert. I sort of have a boner
so when he was about to cum, he screamed his mother's name and continued to pray for forgiveness. wtf
We were trying to sober you with hotdog buns but you refused put half of it in your bra and said you'd save it for later
... They left for 10 minutes and came back with a lobster he's in the toilet downstairs
What I love about college? The kid tripping balls has a kayak made readily available to him on any given Wednesday, Saturday, or Sunday.
We thought we were getting kicked out but then he started tickling the bouncer. Next thing you know the bouncers giving him a piggy back ride to the bar.
to answer your questions bluetooth, 30ft, like a tampon, ask her, her idea, got tired of trying to find her in crowed clubs
If so I'm coming over there. There's no way I'm having "hello, how are you" conversations with my neighbors on acid
Alternately I could tell him western classical is just a series of events that had to happen for music to reach the point where Beyoncé was able to pen drunk in love, which is the pinnacle of humanity's artistic achievement thus far
It's really life affirming to be at a wedding thinking wow I took your husbands virginity
I feel like my foot is being amputated. Or maybe it's the vodka. I couldn't tell you.
Just took an Adderall with Pedialyte so I think that's a valid answer to "how are you doing"
How do I send someone an apology text for giving them a lap dance in the middle of a party last night?
I accidentally made jungle juice last night.
Randomize
