I am drunk raised to the nth degree. The possibility of getting sick is approaching infinity.
My freaking DENTIST just commented on my hickies. Through the novacaine I managed to mumble 'It was my birthday' and she smiled knowingly.
If I was there, I'd make you a vicodin spiked sandwich.
Not sure if jager bombs can cure tuberculosis, but its a theory im testing as we speak
Mike found the condom wrapper on the washing machine and looked at me and said "Magnum? NICE girl. Get that nut!" then proceeded to puke in a cup
So never has there been a greater Valentine's Day gift than you actually putting a new roll of toilet paper on for me after using the old roll up! You didn't even use the new roll. You clearly put that on from a gentleman's standpoint vs. a selfish standpoint. I love you!!!!
If you hear a sad honk in the wind it is me.
Yah... You need to get here. Evan just peed off the karaoke stage.
Look. When I let you cum on my tits don't fuck it all up by going "SKEET SKEET SKEET" it just pisses me off.
Please don't judge me for my hormonal purchase, judge me for my awesome rack.
Soooo we should kick it sometime when it's like light outside. Drink outta cups.. Be bitches. 7, 6, 3, 5.. 4, 2, 1... Sschhkiddaellladiieessscchk
me + whiskey = a bad person
Ok. As long as I can keep Kevin contained to the room I'll be ok. If not u might have a naked puking Kevin at ur door
I AM A SEXUAL NIGHTMARE
Got arrested last night. My cell mate just added me on Facebook.
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