I was in the bathroom and her cat just looked at my penis with a profound hatred.
I can't remember last night. I must have yelled at your girlfriend til she cried again.
Yup.
I'm not really sure how I got home, but judging by this headache, i'm assuming it involved bourbon.
Im really high right now and the vending machine is broken and giving out free candy. Please kill me, my life will never get better than this
he described going down on me as being like 'entering a jungle of deliciousness and fur
In case you were wondering...putting everclear into a humidifier DOES get you really really drunk.
Yes. I am getting trashed on an open tab while judging a karoke competition
Impressive. I approve.
I just took the soggiest of beer shits and all i have to eat is shredded cheese and more beer. I need an adult.
stop fucking thinking about him when there is A MILLION OTHER PENISES TO RIDE IN THE WORLD
We're going to ride the bus of mixed signals all the way to unrequited love town and that's where I'm going to live my life and then die.
We are horrible
Yeah but we're also awesome
It's gonna be me and some oreos tonight. Basically like sex
Don't tell me I can do whatever makes me happy while also saying I have to put on pants.
Idk I've taught my 18 month old how to say nipple so kids aren't all bad
did you call me last night and say you were being kidnapped?
Randomize
