I kept waking up & seeing my Goodfellas poster and thinking it was a window with people crammed against it staring at me.
I guess the lighting in my room made it look like they were moving. I remember telling myself that they were watching over me and protecting me from the cops
You text me last night that you invented a new food. Cheese-less grilled cheese. Congrats, you made toast.
The bathroom is trashed. Someone took down all the rings of the shower curtain and Scott threw up on the curtain liner. All the soap and shampoo is in the guest bedroom and the lightbulbs are in a drawer. And there are vom footprints.
Then they all walked away with the drinks I bought them, and the fat one slapped me in the face. I left and my car had been towed. Worst night ever.
My last google search was "mavis beacon techs tping" Thank god google auto corrects bc otherwise i wouldn't know that i drunk-type 13 words a minute.
vaguely remember the bartender stopping me outside last night so he could pull the duct tape out of my hair
I had her number in my wallet, I was sitting on a winning ticket for the blowjob lottery and didn't know
i think dick pics are a sign of a sexual renaissance
I'm praying that the company stray cat shows up tomorrow. I think I may have hit it while leaving Friday. Nobody will believe it was an accident after I hit the last one.
He was super stoned and then he compared doing meth to having anal sex and told me to "ride that cowboy." The cowboy being my ex.
Jesus christ. I put you on speaker when you called me last night and you told me to brush my teeth with a dick.
He was standing in the living room wearing a Donald Trump wig and looking very disappointed
Tell him to put up or shut up. Can't be dangling dick in front of ho's without delivering.
It's just disrespectful
I just threw up into a baby carriage. There was a baby in it.
True I am eskimo brothers with every one of my room mates, but it was only two girls. And 9 outta 10 times I was first
Randomize
