I was so drunk last night that I went into my 15 year old sisters room to have her peer edit the drunk texts I was sending to my ex.
I just saw a San Diego firetruck. No wonder they can't figure out how to fight wildfires if they get so fucking lost they end up in Nebraska.
i sold my breathalizer so i could buy weed
When you're opening a bottle of tequila with a golf club, it's probably time to stop drinking...
He said he loved me so I pretended not to hear it because I don't think "I love your penis" was the response he was looking for.
Did you get the "i have a yeast infection from that wet frat bathroom floor" text?
Its 6:30 and I'm shotguning a busch ice while taking a shit. Outlook for work today: interesting
You are softly singing to the wall while slow dancing with it. I feel as though you should discontinue this behavior.
"Wait, who's gun did I have?" Moments when you re-examine your life choices.
I was chasing pulls of fireball with bites of a bagel and yelling at people to take tequila shots with me. I shouldn't be allowed to go out alone.
Apparently I give handjobs in my sleep. So that's interesting.
dont you DARE use my tequila influenced words against me
Two old ladies openly mocked me this morning at drunk breakfast. Is it time to reevaluate my life choices?
She looks like a character that batman would try to kill, or something.
There's something about a foam party that makes freshman want to turn their lives into full blown shit shows. And I'm ok with the fact I am one of those.
Randomize
