he said i look beautiful when i cum. i think i'm in love.
a creepy fucking ass man came up and started raven cawwing in my ear... he said it was the raven mating call. i am officially freaked out
Hey sis... Don't forget moms day is this sun. And don't get her another gift while you are freakin high this time. The vibrator was embarrassing.
FYI the vibrator was a SUCCESS. She was in a much better mood this last year. Maybe you should get high this time and get a great gift
you read me verses from the beginners bible until my answering machine finally ran out of time and cut you off.
There was a punch bowl full of straight vodka. Glass bowl, ladle, vodka, and no punch at all. It was something of a rough night
I threw up in the bar parking lot and yelled THIS IS MY FUTURE.
The doctor that gave me my std test is trying to hook me up with her daughter lol
When you and that girl went into the bedroom, you yelled "FOR NARNIA!"
When did i become the Rickety Cricket of my own life?
SShout out to Barney the Dinosaur for teaching me how to sing the ABCs backward. I just scored a free pitcher.
that is either the most profound and meaningful thing i've ever heard, or someone got high before noon again.
THIS IS SO HOT. BYE PANTIES.
When your grandma invites you to a sweet girls' Valentine's dinner with your mom and sister, but you have to decline because you're trying to get two dudes to rail you at once...
Why did my mother make you get naked?
Hooked up with another cop last night. Think I am renaming my vagina "dispatch"
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