At least we lost an hour tonight! Less time to make a fool of myself
Why did I call the Oregon Department of Transportation at 4:30 in the morning, and who did I talk to for three minutes?
He violated my cat. I was not impressed.
well he has a gf so if he picks me up tonight i'll only him finger me
And with me just getting pulled over and you maxing your card out on tennis balls I don't know if we can afford it
She drove all the way from Austin to have sex with me. I think it's a safe assumption my dick will have an easy life in college.
Drunkkker than when I told the drag queen she was prettier than me
I'm naked and wearing a cowbell.i love med school.
Dude, get out of Andrea's vagina and call me back
Tonight I celebrated marriage equality by letting a girl I don't know kiss me at the club.
I slept through 4/20 and my roommates bought an entire ham that's just sitting in the fridge...
Nothing quite like the "I had sex you a month ago and now we're stopped at the same 4 way" wave
Ur dad just showed me a tit pic he got omf
She told me I’m a “stunt cock.” I’m okay with that
Hot or not, she’s from Boston. It’s hard to nut when she sounds like Mark Wahlberg
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