Yes give me all the cream and he's gone
Why are you ignoring all of my texts?
The power was out.
I was so drunk last night I wanted to download a Busta Rhymes album.
I just threw up in the bathroom next to the zebra exhibit. The kids don't know I skipped a beat. Best nanny, ever.
I'm really not interested in hearing from him. Unless there is casual sex involved
I can't bring an entire liter in the bar in my purse. I mean I can. I might. I'm probably gonna.
He says he invented a new sex move called The Redbird that we can only do when I'm on my period. Should I be concerned?
Only I could host a baby shower where the cops get called.
I never actually go in the club. I get in line, hit on a chick, and convince her to come drink all she wants for free at my house.
Just set out 2 water bottles as an offering to my hungover self.
Hahahaha yep. You were picking up the credit card machine and singing to it in Spanish.
your phone died, so you started bawling in the bar
yeah that sounds like me
I hate that I will forever be known as the girl who puked on the front lawn. That only happened once.
I'm sittin in my Hawaiian shorts watching the office eating cold asparagus. wow do I suck when you're not here.
hypothetically, what's the best method to remove an stray semen gob from a roommate's important school document?
Randomize
