After we hooked up, he left the room and no one has seen him since last night. That kid redefined hit it and quit it.
sorry for the blank pocket text. My penis obviously has nothing to say to you.
I love your family. Oh. And on a completely unrelated note, I know where we can steal a dog.
Burnt myself on soup.. consencus go back to hospl. they will lov me. twins in one nigh. still hve band on. fuck
Drunk you assumed that me saying I thought squirrels were cute meant for you to trap one in my car by luring it in with ham. You're going to hell for this.
When you text me tomorrow to remind me to mail your parking pass, also remind me to make sure i did NOT pack my vibrator for this family vacation
Plus, it's just valuable. Virgin pee is very well-priced.
I decided it might be a good time to stop when he requested I "bring that pussy over here"
i snuck out to taco bell in my hospital gown earlier
Company meeting and there he was. Felt a little weird like 'last night you were telling me how your dick loves me, and now we're listening to a report on sales figures'.
I cannot believe I accepted his penis into my body.
poll: am I friendzoned if he just called me brochacha? on one hand, he called me bro, but on the other, he used the a to make it feminine.
Going to the eye doctors drunk makes you feel like your doing a sobriety test! They have to know..
I've decided it's okay if I take a pregnancy test every month. Then I can be like, "Good job, self, way to not procreate this month!"
The neighborhood cougar just purred at me while I was doing yard work. I’m terrified and tumescent
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