So I hogged the stall at Denny's for so long that a little kid shit his pants and ran crying to his mother. Am I a terrible person for this being the proudest moment of my life?
I'm so high I used the top vent on my dashboard to heat up a cheeseburger
Dude you spent the last hour of the night in the bathroom crying, asking someone why you will never be as smart as Mr.Feeney from boy meets world.
Is a Chipotle burrito an acceptable "sorry I ran over your cat" gift?
Waiting outside the STD clinic 30 min before it opens already in a line up. It's like were all waiting for a concert that no ones really pumped for
Don't upload the drink o meter to your google calendar. Somehow binge drinking looks even worse with a time stamp.
In fairness it was pretty good sex, but I still wasn't expecting the mass cheering and applause he got on leaving my tent
Lol okay. He's gonna show up with like a trunk of sex toys. He's like the mary poppins of hotel fucking.
Will i get arrested If i steal the salvatiion arny guys bell for ringing it to close to my hangover
my poor anus
I never thought I would have to arrest my own parents on a sunday night
I'm not sure when I will get off this toilet at work but it's not looking promising
What, I can't laugh at my sister being driven crazy by Facebook randomly assigning chat significance to the guy she lost her virginity to?
I woke up to his balls in my face, so naturally I limboed under him and headed to the bathroom. When I came out he was asleep on the floor.
are you fucking roseanne barr in there?
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