apparently the officer said last night, "son, why don't you do yourself a favor and spread your legs so you don't keep vomiting on them". why can't I remember those nights?!
the date was going great.. until he pulled down his pants and asked if there was any hair in between his cheeks.
She was crying and singing Taylor Swift on repeat. I'm never drinking with her again.
I stole a road cone for their 13 yr old son. Apparently I told him to put Christmas lights on it, and "treat her like a lady."
i dodnt think we hooked up bcause he actually texted me the next day
We should search craigslist for porches to sublet.
How was the party last night?
There's a mountain bike in the middle of our apartment. No one will claim it.
Can you explain to me why there are fake boobs glued on my chest?
I vaguely remember a pregnant lady reaching for my penis. When was I in an elevator?
His hair looked like he was in a bukaki and then got a perm right after
Just drove by where I lost my sausage gravy virginity
no one ever believes me when I try explaining to them that your straight. I'm all like, "yeah that's his girlfriends dress he's stretching out"
I don't think you understand...I'm really good at getting drunk
The dude is a cop how would I ever date a cop I wouldn't be able to talk about the first TWENTY-SEVEN years of my life!
You ever fart so hard it made you cum a little? A "friend of mine" wanted to know.
Randomize
