I lost control in the snow and hit a parked car. I went into our building to get a pen and paper to leave a note and when I came back the car was gone and there was a hot girl there. I used the pen and paper to get her number.
I wonder sometimes what your vagina thinks about you.
And then the cop told me my court date was on 4/20. I said come onn u really gunna do me like that
i wish i could tell you the night didnt begin with me drinking alone
"Whiskey Cheerios" was a terribly great idea.
way to not show up for Habitat for Humanity, real classy...
I saved lives by not driving this morning
You tried to call "time out" during the sobriety test.
I took us ten minutes to realize the shower sex going upstairs was the reason the kitchen ceiling was flooding.
Just finished putting caution tape around the tv. Sober me needs to prepare.
Just induced vomiting to put out a carpet fire.
Everyone is cheering
My mom just walked in and she was like "Who ate all of the cheese?" and all I could think of was you trying to become a human taco
Why is it that when I sustain a serious injury people are more concerned with my level of inebriation than my personal safety?
I no longer believe that the road to self esteem is through his penis.
Once you've had an oral std scare, you're an expert.
National tequila day this year falls on a Monday. I've never been more disappointed in my life.
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