I'm wearing a childsize birthday hat and a bib. I am the def of sex appeal rite now
you ever fart during an orgasm? feels like u just lost 10 pounds
So what does a sober person do in Vegas on a Friday night?
she said she'd blow me if I bought one of her sorority raffle tickets. Goddamn it's gettin easy
I hate about 85% of people that I meet. I'm an awful person. In reality my only redeeming qualities are my face, my amazing scissoring skills and the fact that children love me.
True on all accounts.
Me and your penis are best friends. You don't know it, but I whisper my secrets whenever I give you blowjobs. We even have a secret handshake. We can't be separated from each other. We just can't.
Wake up, take the dog to the trails, puke in the woods. More days should start like this.
I said to him "i can't have sex with anyone in my friend's living room" then he said "we can move the air mattress into the kitchen"
I'd like to stay optimistic, but I have this nagging suspicion my penis is in for a disappointing holiday weekend.
When he texted me, I got a little wet. Until he asked me to get Jimmy Johns before I got to his house.
I've already dropped her on the ground of a crowded bar dancing , been incoherent drunk to the point i couldn't speak and came within 2 seconds all on separate evenings so at this point she should know what I'm about
Oh my fucking god how fucking embarrassing never again will I mix drugs at a family barbecue
Like if it it's practical for your sexual health I'm allergic to it AKA REGULAR CONDOMS
I got a lap dance last night from a girl while I was wearing a Captian America onsie. My life does not suck.
I woke up this morning to pee and six dollar bills fell out of my underwear. I guess that lap dance just bought me lunch.
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