Redeem this text for a blowjob
so i was trying to be sexy and unzip his pants with my teeth. i got my lip caught in the zipper and it bled for a good 15 min, totally a mood killer.
Condom broke. Took her to CVS for plan B and parked in expectant mothers spot. I laughed.. she cried
You now know someone who has just successfully talked his way out of being arrested for breaking into the town library at midnight. Ive been home for too long.
It was tug of war between me and the cop. He wanted the beer, I wanted the coozie.
my boss told me he would look for my wallet when he went back to the strip club tonight.
It's either my own vomit or popcorn butter in my ear right now. Banking on the second one.
We made popcorn last night. So it's both
I love how my phone automatically capitalizes Margarita. R-e-s-p-e-c-t.
We hooked up in his car and afterwards he cried. I think I need to find a new hookup...
I am having telepathic thoughts with my cat. He loves me and wants me to blow his nose
Worst. Date. Ever. He peeled a layer of bread off his mini burger buns because they had "too many carbs".
HOW DO YOU FORGET TO FINISH WINE
I've never SEEN someone give negative fucks before. It's actually rather impressive. I want to study under them.
How my distance relationship is going: he's trying to sext me & I'm stuffing pizza in my face.
He asked if I was a pirate because my "arrrrrrrrse" was worth burying. 10/10 for effort, 20/10 for serial killer vibes.
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