who knew "i drink your milkshake" would work as a pickup line
Im def. not watching the CMAs. If Kanyes not gonna be there whats the point?
and then she yelled "im going to fuck the next guy that walks by me". so ya thats how i lost my virginity
We watched 'the mighty ducks' last night and took shots every time someone quacked. I woke up this morning wearing a nothing but a hockey jersey laying next to him on the floor. He was wearing a goalie mask. I really wish I knew what happened.
he couldn't find his key, so we just had sex on his parent's porch while we waited for his mom to get home.
i wasn't about to bring her gummy handcuffs to her father's funeral
As long as he sees me topless I don't care. Redemption. REEEDDDEMMMPPPTTIIIOOONNNNN
Excuse me but the alley way I wanted to fuck in happens to be a very nice clean area.
I spent a lot of time in their kitchen cause I was convinced that the living room was gonna fall... Sorry for not warning you about that.
Just read the 12 signs you're a horrible roommate post and fucking in your roommate's bed wasn't on the list, so I'm a pretty awesome roommate.
Who knew I could feel anymore shameful at the bar than i usually do...I think my bartender recognizes me from the walk of shame out of his house after i hooked up with his son yesterday
That's why my New Years resolution was no more blondes. They're all bad news
I almost rear ended this hot guy driving a Porsche Cayenne just so I could get his phone number
had more orgasms than hours of sleep last night
So... my daughter's new girlfriend Is the daughter of the girl I dated on and off in college Who ran away because she got pregnant at my house party. My Legitimate daughter Is probably fucking my Illegitimate daughter...
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