Sorry I couldn't get my dick out
she made me cover her fishbowl with my shirt because she "didn't want to corrupt it."
I am not a stalker...i just bring a whole new meaning to the word love
who am I kidding I don't have any dignity. Plus we're not doing a porno, we're just doing random things naked
I woke up to him drunk-t-bagging me, saying "huevos rancheros" were being served for breakfast.
I don't care if he's straight, his cock will be in my mouth by midnight. Like a closeted Cinderella.
Dont act like I'm the only one that gets on a plane and picks out the one im gonna have fuck if we have time before the crash
she texted me out of nowhere. and I wanted to get drunk. like I didn't even have her new number until 6 hours ago and bam we were rolling around drinking cotton candy vodka from the bottle she had stuffed in a boot
I lull them into a false sense of security with my gayness. Then when they're vulnerable, I strike, like a snake. A big non-gay snake, with huge balls.
I just ran your car into a ups truck....but on a up note I have a handle of fireball and breakfast burritos
I'm the Oprah of jello shots
he just fluffed my hair and told me I had to dance with him because we were both gingers.
Fly, little bird! Repopulate the ginger race!
He snorted adderall on my table. I have a feeling he's not trying to buy me flowers
How about this: I support you through your miserable marriage, and you support me through all my anonymous sex?
literally took my pants off in the middle of bourbon last night without taking off my heels im a super human i guess
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