Omg alex and i were cooking weiners on a campfire and a bear came and i am waayyy too high for this
You took my girl thats shot the Fuck out. You better watch your skinny ass.
That's barely a sentence. Who's your girl? I think you've got the wrong number. I haven't even lived in Alabama for 4 years.
Yeah, I do, I'm sorry. I meant 205 not 256. sorry about that.
Good luck with your revenge in Birmingham.
I too understand the importance of cheesy bread
Was I wearing clothes when I handed you your keys. Please tell me I was wearing clothes.
He did a line, told me my hair looked pretty against the background of the clouds, and then we fucked. Good afternoon
Thanks for the drunken voicemail of bird calls. Love and miss you, too.
all I know is I'm really rwfly really really stoned and a bunch of Korean people are yelling at me
took adderall before wrapping presents, ended up making paper snowflakes for two hours
I may have just flashed my roommate as he walked in while my towel was falling. Now he knows what an American sized penis looks like I suppose
you are not my drinking buddy, you are my drinking enemy.
I feel like drug tests are a little less "random" when you are employed by your father.
I ditched my one night stand in the hotel lobby. How did he add me on Snapchat?
Well, I have no idea where my underwear is, so yea I would say it was a good weekend.
we got cockblocked by his mom again...its like she has a radar on me
please stop trying to sleep with him
Didn't think I'd be dancing with the Power Rangers but here I am
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