my dad just encouraged me to do a kegstand
i love how i spend my mornings exploring my phone to see what i did last night.
we put the last xanax in the middle and played hungry hungry hippos to see whod get it
fair is fair
I had 4 margarita's and 2 mixed drinks and i blew zero's. Its a cinco de mayo miracle.
Like if I don't roll around in my puke, the night will be a failure.
I don't know but someone, somewhere gave someone a hand job and someone else was pissed about it...
I'm going to make "gut the love salmon" a common slang term for sex. Spread the word.
But break dance skills will only take you so far
You've fucked so many I should get a word bank when you make me guess these things.
I want to be your penis for a week.
Saying you need a hooker then asking me to have sex is NOT the way to get laid. Booty call 101.
You were carrying a 6 ft lamp that we stole on your back yelling "OHANA MEANS FAMILY AND FAMILY MEANS NOBODY GETS LEFT BEHIND"
At least be KIND OF sobering up before you text me, I've told you before I don't speak vodka unless I've been drinking it with you.
PS WHY wasn't I drinking it with you? Dick.
The batteries in my vibrator died before I could finish. Which is a lot like my sex life lately......
I have a mild substance abuse problem, but I'm still a functioning member of society. America.
Randomize
