I still think their baby is ugly. I also still think it's yours.
I have a new drinking limit. I'll stop when I know I'm going to untag the picture that was just taken of me.
She just messaged me 19 sad faces.
We fucked on top of all of our English papers in celebration of the semester ending.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
I wonder what my nutrition professor is going to think when I have to put 21 keystone lights, a bottle of merlot wine, and 5 rum and cokes and 4 shots of tequila on my dietary analysis
You walked in, sat down, looked at the waiter and said, "I'm only having deserts and liquor."
all I wanna do is swim in an Olympic sized pool of Gatorade and tylenol.
I'm calling it the Friendlationship with Benefits Zone.
She just tricked me into telling her the balance of my 401k... She's like a gold digging jedi mind trick ninja
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
Sorry about the weird guinea pigs text. I was drunk and they were freaking me out
Sending dick pics while driving a car going 80 in the rain at night to a married woman? Why hello 2014
Just so you know in the morning, yes you did send your bartender a snap of your boobs. No I didn't try to stop you because you used sound logic for doing so.
Goodnight Shia. Goodnight Moon.
Girl i am always here for you. But i am going to have sex now so im going to call you in the morning.
They call you PBJ boy because you were trying to seduce me with pieces of a peanut butter and jelly sandwich. Successfully might I add.
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