A hard boiled egg and a shot of tequila is not brunch.
There's nothing more uncomfortable than drifting into sexual fantasies on a roadtrip and realizing you have a boner with three other dudes in the car.
I havent jerked off in so long, my dick literally prevented me from rolling over in my sleep this morning. new definition of painful?
I woke up in a place I've never been before, with people I've never met before using me as a table for domino's.
I was masturbating with the shower head and someone flushed the other toilet. Pretty sure I have 3rd degree burns on my clit.
There's always one sober annoying person at a party. I hate responsible people. I just wanted to show everyone my nipples. There cute. She didn't have to stop me
not sure if I should be concerned that my brother just stormed into my room and looked at me with a serious face and said, "I'm a peacock, you have to let me fly." oh, vicodin...
That point of drunk where you're in a bar bathroom and you're like "F*ck you bra! I'm not taking your sh*t anymore! and you take it off and throw it in a trashcan.
Yeah her jello shots are the next closest thing to a lethal injection. That potent.
Wanna get really high and go on a Valentine's Day Sexathon cause we're both single or would that be weird?
does doing it on an automatic sink count as shower sex?
If this nail lady pinches my achilles one more time im kicking her directly in her bedazzled boobs
My mom legitimately hired a private eye on me. DO YOU KNOW HOW EXCITING MY LIFE JUST GOT???
I think I heard my penis growl. Wanna do lunch?
Did that sound smart? Cuz beneath the boozy exterior beats the heart of a fucking scientist.
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