Flying to Orlando on the 7th is cheaper than the 8th by like three margaritas.
after the cops left he pulled the weed out of his ass and we smoked it
You know your from las vegas when the girl on the stage in the strip club was in my US gov class senior year
Your roommate was biting my friend last night. It was weird.
I puked for half an hour, but I went and danced afterwards, and that made me feel better.
You are so irish.
My mom said "I don't want to fund your drug problem" so she gave me a gift card to the book store. I now have a 420 page book on growing weed.
Your dignity remains intact. He, on the other hand, is completely convinced he slept with your cat.
Resolution for 2011: blow jobs are a privilege, not a right.
Gave him an awesome blow job on his living room couch last night, so at least he'll have something nice to think about next time he's watching the Tigers lose.
I love getting kicked out of places. Its like winning a little league game
I am available for nakedness
Not all of us can be into hot dads. Some of us have to have commitment issues and be into musicians.
I better get weekly incoherent text messages or I will assume something is wrong.
Come over. Bring drugs. My sister is making cookies. She took Valium. They should be badass cookies.
LACE UP YOUR GODDAMN SHOES
N O
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