I think i ate a live goldfish last night. that i caught with my hand in a kiddie pool. my stomach really hurts.
Its not small because its small, Its small because it was cold outside
I hope my liver is having as much fun as I am
I swear if his heart was half the size of the cum stains he's left on my sheets we would have the perfect relationship
But it was well worth it to see a man fly through the air in a beaver costume...
I'm not judging you... I'm judging our friendship
3 things I learned last night: 1.) I'm not as light as I used to be. 2.) Sex on the roof of a convertible is a really bad idea. 3.) The hospital now has super glue pens for sealing minor cuts instead of stitches!
Some Russian dude just came up to us and I'm pretty sure he offered his girlfriend to have sex for 80 bucks. Whoever said porn movies were unrealistic.
Haha he puts me in a mood mix of annoyed and... "just get in my pants"
Like if it it's practical for your sexual health I'm allergic to it AKA REGULAR CONDOMS
Are you sure he's still you're boyfriend when you're sober?
I had sex with him in the back of my car in a duck onesie. I'm worth something dammit.
No I did a yoga dvd and hit my ex up via email for some pot in exchange for his mail.
I woke up this morning to find my closet lacking 98% of my clothes and a text from my male roommate saying your dresses squeeze my genitals
Who is naked dude in the kitchen?
Randomize
