I think I might have accidentally had a threesome last night with two good friends. See, this is what happens when you leave me.
It's been a long time since I felt this bad on a Monday... and for that, I thank you.
You kept screaming "Its taco night!" before every shot
we had to stop you from eating moldy cake.. twice.
Note for the future: whiskey syrup is AMAZING on 3am pancakes.
She is wasted and this random lady got her to suckle milk from her tit
I made a bet with her that she would show me her tits if I finished my beer. Only on spring break.
My jeans are ripped and her glitter was all over me.. My walk of shame looked like I fucked a unicorn last night
I feel like a pet sloth would complement my lifestyle.
What do I do when my mom and I both awkwardly spot the Rocky Horror parody porn sitting on the coffee table? Leave it or try to move it?
All I know is when I checked my phone this morning google translate was open with "help the cow ate my robot" translated to French
if i dont text back till morning its cause i turned my phone off and changed my password to something i wont remember to stop myself from drunk texting...RESPONSIBILITY
Your mankini haunted my dreams.
She rode me wearing nothing but a Santa hat. Merriest fucking Christmas!
It was only a blow job in his car. It's the same as giving a friend a back rub.
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