dude wtf did we explode in my microwave last night?
idk but i think it had a face
Hey you
You're the only one I'll text back during sex. what's up?
seriously this is one of those moments where im glad i dont really talk to or know the people i sleep with
Well said.
Just saw the new iPhone. I would totally let Steve Jobs and Jon Ive eiffel tower me right now.
Well I put her head right through the headboard. Thank god the room was under her name.
You only ask me to come over when your gf is gone, and thats usually at midnight to cook chicken salad and watch you pass out
Drunk
Deyhxbr
Fucaerrrrr
If I wake up with an unknown penis in me one more time I am literally going to press charges to the makers of tequila.
I need to find more Xanax, my Grandpa doesent leave for another week and he's made it a mission to get me to come out of the closet as a xmas gift to my parents.
She's popping painkillers like they're tic tacs and singing the soundtrack to dreamgirls. It's you're turn to babysit her.
they wouldnt let me drive the convertible because i was in a bird suit :(
If the world ends now I want you to know I was on my favorite toilet fighting the good fight.
I'm a drunk white girl and my ancestors were drunk white girls, if we apologized our species would be extinct.
Celebrated Veteran's Day by getting a Marine (who just got back from deployment in the middle east) drunk and laid for the first time in 6 months. #Murica
so in 24 hours i have gotten caught having sex in my car by a cop, almost burnt off my vag, almost got hit by a semi, and got fired. awesome.
Randomize
