I'm actually glad you're quitting. Now there's one less person at work who's seen me naked.
Are you scared? I basically plan on us looking like giant drunk skittles
I feel like an elephant shit on me and left me to be miserable
Mixing coffee with vodka may have been a bad choice, I feel like I'm pregnant and the baby is trying to perform a c-section from the inside.
She keeps feeding me drugs. Its like I'm her baby bird or something
Your smile makes me feel like I'm frolicking through a field of gummy bears.
Currently hiding in the shower from the RA and my elbow turns it on. Showers and Ciroc don't mix..
He rubbed aloe on my sunburn while I blew him... could he be anymore perfect?
Not sure how but he broke three of his fingers while giving a blowjob. How does someone that accident prone survive to adulthood?
My roommate taped his phone to the ceiling fan to simulate walking so he could hatch Pokémon. Lazy people will always find a way.
THAT BEAUTIFUL FACE AND HEAVENLY LIGHTING IS NOT HELPING THE NOT DEAD POINT HOW DO I NOT KNOW YOU ARE NOT TEXTING ME FROM THE AFTERLIFE
The after life smells like latex gloves and hand soap
I'm actually pretty sure the amount of alcohol I drank last night erased memories from other times in my life.
Woke up with a throbbing vagina and a lesbian in my bed. Then for the hell of it we had morning sex. Definitley bisexual now
Sorry I bailed on you yesterday. I was propositioned.
And you don't turn down margaritas and oral.
You do realize last night you asked me if shampoo had an expiration date then cried for 15 mins when I told you it did
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