Mike and I just ate the lobster we found in the toilet
Dude manswers just said that a guy can only cum up to eight times in one day. I'm gonna prove that show wrong.
ha well at least you have goals.
I'm so ready for finals. She finally agreed to skypesex me from spain so now i'm up until 4am studying every morning waiting for her to get online
composition of my stomach right now: 60% C8H10N4O2 * H2O (coffee), 20% CaCO3 (pepto bismol/tums), 10% HCl (stomach acid), 5% fried rice, 5% residual adderall. i can do that by percent mass too. fuck you finals.
He was using OnStar to get directions to the bar. I'm pretty sure he'd have gotten her number too if I hadn't disconnected the call.
She texted her brother about how much she loved his hot tub. He responded three days later that he wasn't aware he owned a hot tub.
Im pretty sure you told the waiter at Dennys last night to take your pants off or show a nipple.
No I got myself stoned. With her bowl. She was just a casualty of the War on Sobriety.
I just saw a bunch of drunk old guys riding on the side of a modified old fire truck yelling at cars and smoking while they looked for parking...promise we will be just like them when we grow up?
I'm craigslisting fire trucks as we speak
Wanna show up on a guy's doorstep and punch him in the balls for me? At least this one isn't a cop.
Literally just inhaled three cinnamon rolls. Sara is staring. It was inhuman
Ultimate cock block. About to have sex and your mom calls you so you can go help your grandmother figure out how to vote for the voice on her iPad
mcfuck me up
MCFUCK ME UP INSIDE
Just wore the promise ring dad gave me freshman year of high school as a fake wedding band while I bought a pregnancy test. I think it's safe to say that's not what he had in mind with that gift 14 years ago.
You kept licking me last night.... and said I tasted like jello. Next time, lay off the jello shots, okay?
Randomize
