I am officially superior to you. I said "Go Go Gadget Dick" before I fucked her. I dare you to beat that.
as evidence of my kitchen this morning my night involved alot of mustard and condoms
Alosmot hir two of of mt mailanoxwa
Oh Jesus.
I love being Chipotle's first beer sale of the morning.
This family outing has commenced with me throwing up in an apple orchard
It's like they're playing jeopardy and the category is "things that make women dry."
who's idea was it to start the NCAA tournament less than a week after St. Patrick's day? My liver needs time to recover for things like this.
If you've never been pounded by an Eastern European body builder, I would highly recommend it.
You fell out of the chair and then lifted your foot saying, "If my foot could give you the middle finger it would."
The best was when you were crying, and trying to get the bouncer to "understand you AS A HUMAN BEING"
My cat is staring at me while I drink my wine on the bathroom floor in the morning instead of attending class. Sorry mom and dad. Sorry cat.
I just dumped the bloody coke bill into the tip jar while getting my hangover coffee. I'm literally going to hell.
The Stanley Cup Final is killing me. I can't go to work drunk again.
Apparently I handcuffed myself to the dishwasher...
She was doing drunken zumba and screaming "FUCK YOU I HAVE MY OWN STYLE!" at the TV
Randomize
