You went to the wrong car, tried to open the locked door, and started crying because you thought we were playing a mean trick. Then the owner came...
So, just so you know... Your vasectomy worked.
bonus
I'm done trying to be a vegetarian. My vagina smells like hummus.
i don't think my family understands the severity of a twenty first birthday.
You know those ponds where you go and pay $5 and your guarranteed to catch a fish thats how i describe her
You kept telling me to "raw dog" your take home breathalyzer without the mouthpiece
thats what you get for writing a paper after liquor pitchers
its only a rough draft.
...Then she just started hitting me with a loaf of bread.
hung over. covered in somebodies makeup. and ready to drink.
not saying it was a bad idea to throw an impromptu party but someone stole the microwave
I replaced his Viagra pills with sleeping pills.
I rolled joints beforehand. Lit a candle. Ghetto rigged taping the 40's on my hands and then lit the joint using the flame of the candle.
I'm so proud of your modern ingenuity
Go to hungover. Go directly to hungover. Do not pass go. Do not collect 200 dollars
She said her name is "Goose" and regardless of her being a lesbian, sometimes she just "needs a good dick"
RESPOND QUICKLY THIS IS AN EMERGENCY!!! LITERALLY AN 11 INCH DICK!!!!! HELP.
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