My sheets at my parents place are clean. No braveheart but I can paint myself, yell "freedom", and sword fight you with my cock. So come over.
I'm afraid that if I tell my sister I think Zachary Quinto is gay I'll have to put her on suicide watch for the next week or so
Sundays have taken on a whole new meaning when I'm not in bed with an excruciating hangover.
Next time I say "Watch this" Get me the fuck out of the bar.
I was fucking the girl and her best friend walked in on us. She said we looked thirsty, got us a glass of water, and poured it down both of our throats. It was like... sex bottle service
I don't even know why im sitting in this office eating a poptart.
I was lying there too hungover to move when my dog jumped onto my bed and set half a calzone on my pillow. Best. Dog. Ever.
Thought it only fitting this Jubilee weekend to snort lines with a 50 note
Your patriotism amazes me, the Queen would be proud!
I just got nudes while talking in the third person. Not sure if I Should be proud or ashamed.
He has no idea he's waking up in slut palace tomorrow morning
But I am still fully ok with my life choices as long as the consequences aren't onesies and pacifiers
That's it. I'm moving to LA & sitting on his face.
Haha I had a heart to heart with a stripper so I would say it was a success?
Some Romanian guy at work just told me "you come my house, we drink beer and you come make fuck with my sister"
If he's not there watching you go for it. It's been a while bro.
You said the best orgasm you ever had, you gave to yourself. your boyfriend looked really disappointed. so did half the room.
Randomize
