i woke up in his bed, he had my shirt on
and high school musical 3 was playing on his lap top
I think I'm going to start texting all the people that don't want to talk to me
I think we should go ahead and pin a note to my shirt when we go out that says"do NOT buy me shots"
On the back we can put possible side effects may include: indiscriminate making out, brief crying spells, yelling in jibberish, and sudden sleep.
I didn't cheat on him. Cheating means finding out. I made sure he was at work first. After the guy left I got shitfaced just so nothing seemed out of the ordinary when he came home.
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You came back with puke all over your sweatshirt and started doing darth vader impressions
He didn't seem too mad about the puke on the side of his car. You still have a chance.
...and the foreplay consisted of me threatening to cut off his hand if he didn't remove it from my back.
the cops who came hadnt heard yet. when we told them they sang the star spangled banner with us
I never thought your mom would see me throwing up on my hands and knees in your front yard
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The number of injuries I get impersonating Shakira while drunk is getting ridiculous. Sprained vagina, dude.
DONT LET HIM GET NAKED. JUST SAY NO
She's throwing herself an "I just had a baby" shower, where she makes up for 9 months of sobriety then squeezing a watermelon out of her vagina.
Rage-masturbating and then crying myself to sleep. Welcome to Wednesday.
You need to stop vomiting in the washing machine, bro. For real this time.
why is half of my head shaved?
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