So I'm pretty sure I fucked the dept of homeland security guy on my kitchen table. No recollection of it, but there are signs.
Well, I just watched him puke into his pitcher at the bar, I doubt he cares about anything other than the fact that he needs a new beer.
just went back to the bar and asked if they found a shoe last night.
Very impressive. My GPA is the same amount of orgasms I can offer tonight (valid only tonight): 3.5
WHY DIDN'T YOU INVITE ME TO RUN THROUGH TACO BELL'S SPRINKLERS AT 4AM?!
I can't tell if I'm getting better at doing my online spanish hw drunk or if my teacher is just grading on creativity. Either way that senoritas gettin an applebees gift card when i graduate.
You told her that she shouldn't be allowed to wear clothes then when her roommate asked if you like her you said "no I just want to insert things into her"
I stand by it.
Really? A fat girl?
I'm walking her back. Chill out.
She is a nice girl okay. For some reason we are in my room though.
why is there blood on my car? and are we still friends?
DRAW HIM A PICTURE OF SOME FUCING AWESOME THING. LIKE A UNICORN OR SOME SHIT. FANTASTIC.
Sexting across continents is really a perfect example of how far technology has come.
She didn't complain to the library attendant about us being too loud. She complained after you grabbed her highlighter off the table to stir vodka into your tumbler with.
Yeah plus that night got so disgusting it's basically a repressed memory anyway
I'm sitting in Madison square park surrounded by children thanking god I took emergency contraception
Please come pick up your twin. She's tap dancing in her underwear and that's not how you want yourself represented.
Randomize
