who the fuck tagged pancake nipples on my profile picture?
She was sleeping without a shirt so I thought I wouldI sneaked a peek at her nipples..than I realized they were just warts...on her back.
Highlight of the day: realizing the man in the car next to mine was getting road head... at 2:45pm... nicely done sir, nicely done.
You're the only person i know who can laugh and talk while puking
Be careful. Don't drive if your body turns into a caterpillar again.
It was like an alcohol war zone and you left a soldier behind.
Will you please bring your dog over today? Apparently I was drunkenly cooking last night. There's food everywhere. I'm too hungover to clean.
Just found out drinking 6 trays of random shots makes me wake up on a club toilet with my underwear and jeans around my ankles
Weekend plan is a big bag of dope, delivery food, Bollywood marathon and masterbating my dick raw.
how do you expect me to pass the time when I'm too old to be jailbait but too young to legally drink
Go forth my little lesbian, get your gayme on
Well at least ssomeone is or the state is tafing over ir in twligiob
I just twinged a muscle in my shoulder trying to hug myself. In the world of loneliness-based injuries, this is a new low for me.
Also I think I drunkenly signed up to be an uber driver or something because they keep emailing me to fill out a background check
I licked your asshole in confidence.
Randomize
