Walking home still drunk in snow. Snowflakes are my only hydration..Need moreee
Sorry I didn't wanna double team his sister. Having whiskey dick and watching you get laid didn't sound appealing
You were too busy being proud of your penis shaped pancakes to notice...
Never again. Her vagina looked like a sad old man.
Weirdly I'm doing ok, but I've tested positive for chlamydia, I wanted to let you know
I'm like five sips away from making a Craigslist post for true love and mustaches. My family is going to disown me tonight.
Old men love us. For they have fine taste and disturbing minds.
I say "glasses of whiskey" like I didn't chug it out of the bottle
She bit my shoulder during foreplay last night, and it's already infected. I think she has rabies.
I totally have a huge crush on him though which is fucking up my "classy she-demon with limited feelings" vibe
No, and she still hasn't answered me...I get a whole series of text messages about Guatemalan anal bleaching but no fucking answer to my question.
Help. I am eating nachos. But I'm with some guy. I need help. I don't know where I am. The nachos were so good. I'll bring them but help me.
Can't be like "hey can you elaborate on this three year old tweet" can I?
you said, "the pool was totally tequila. and i left my shoe halfway across town. and by shoe i mean car" it appeared to me that you didn't have your shoes or car.
Mimosas make me so tired. I just ordered a huge thing of pasta and gonna eat it in my underwear like a bad bitch
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