I just woke up to a lawnchair covered in lipstick. I'm wearing red lipstick. What happened and is the tequila?
I was up until 12:30 making that damned grammar test for my freshmen then I caught myself running through the verb tenses when I was giving him head.
"I have sucked, I will suck, I will have suck, I am sucking..." I've never felt more like a nerdier slut than last night.
so i walked in, looked up the stairs and all i saw was smashed pumpkin, tube socks, and marinara sauce
I don't know how God could bestow someone that emotionally confused with such an awesome penis.
I feel so grown up. I just went to home depot to buy actual home improvement supplies instead of stuff to make a bong with.
dude uncooked spaghetti noodles dipped in thousand island dressing is better than it sounds
I just don't do feelings in the summer months.
About to go get a free burrito for kissing a bald man in public
If this nail lady pinches my achilles one more time im kicking her directly in her bedazzled boobs
I can always see lesbian subplot. It's my hero ability.
I stole all of the toasting champagne and did an interpretive dance to "wind beneath my wings". I am literally everything you're not supposed to do at weddings.
But your showmanship is impeccable.
Something must have happened, they started yelling truffle butter and you said we needed to leave NOW
We decorated the tree, drank wine, and he went down on me with Christmas music on in the background. Christmas IS coming.
you know it was a good night when you wake up with a medal around your neck
Is there a nice, calm way of telling your friend/housemate/former lover/person who does not reciprocate your feelings that your period is late?
Randomize
