I told him it tasted like his mom..needless to say we were asked to leave.
I passed out in the cab. Woke up to the cabby yelling SIR SIR WE ARE AT THE TRAIN STATION!! SIRRRR!!
I just saw what sperm look like swimming around. I'm not happy with what you've put in my stomach.
My family is watching Intervention and taking notes. I need to leave NOW!
i actually just woke up with a lampshade on my head. god damn cliches.
Fuck him for salsa, please. I heard its a good recipe.
Your wedding's just one more day in my life I can't wear sweat pants.
Scary. I thought trees were a lie and that someone ha permanently stenciled them into my life. No joke.
My head is pounding and I need an ice pack for my vag. Successful friendsgiving!
A drank guy in the ER just sang Trouble to me and when he sang 'Lying on the cold hard ground' he threw himself onto the ground and landed on the wrist he'd just broken. Thirsty Thursday is weird already and it's not even 5.
Like you know your sex life is in a downward spiral when your best friend offers to sext you from Ireland
A penis isn't a time share. I want to own not rent.
Oral stamina is what keeps life exciting
I smell Vodka. It's me. If anyone asks it's totally hand sanitizer.
we live vicariously through your huge boobs
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