Midget Michael Jackson impersonator dancing to Beat it in Penn Station almost caused me to miss my train. God, I
I am one bad relationship away from having 30 cats.
Just found out my 21st birthday is on a Wednesday. The possibilities are cheap, as well as endless.
Whales. Broccoli little trees giant. Magic in cat form. I want my loco and juice. Black in shower. Brb remember life.
At one point, the guy you were fucking high-fived with the guy I was fucking. We should hang out with them again?
MASS TEXT! MASS TEXT! Your sad horny friend has finally gotten it in and can go back to being normal once again. You're welcome.
He wants me to have his first child. So that makes four gay men that've called dibs on my eggs.
I just want brownies and waffles and someone to lick my tits
Pro: she asked me to be a bridesmaid. Con: i only have about nine months to get over a phobia of midget strippers.
I threw up for like 20 hours. Im gonna be the DD for the next 5 years.
Sorry I couldn't make it...got a scrambled voicemail, all I heard was "Bring the dildo"
Can you rollerblade?
No, why?
Honestly, I was high and picturing us roller blading together. I wanted to see if I could make my dreams a reality.
Didn't shower and drew a couple dicks on my face before I went to work. Boss sent me home. Sacrificed my dignity for a 3 day weekend with you guys.
I woke up with my face covered in mustard. Your mom said I ate hotdogs like a pornstar
he just used a semicolon in the middle of a sext
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