she was wearing a cheetah print one-piece and i slept with her anyway. big mistake.
stayed up until 6am doing my presentation on buddhist art and the practice of chanting. took shots. did drugs. the powerpoint now includes a sesame street style game (with chicken/puppy clip art), an xzibit music video (and quotes about section eight and eating steaks), and a reference to a german metal band (universe). this is going to be the best presentation ever
as if moving home wasnt embarassing enough, mom picked up my laundry while i was gone. guess who needs to find a new hiding spot for his cum towel..this guy.
I'm sitting in my bathroom sink, eating a tuna sandwich. He had better weed than I expected.
I call it my summer of slut; except summer lasts from May until December. It's been incredibly successful
I'm not gonna lie. having my legs shaved for me in the morning was a lovely surprise.
We're at that point in our relationship where sweatpants sex has become acceptable...
apparently i saved myself a memo last night titled "cake" and all it says is "i love it so much"
if I just puked into my own hand, but then cleaned it up quickly, quietly, and calmly, am I still a trainwreck?
I'll be so proud. Like a proud mama bear freeing my slut cub into the wild.
Then you're three pancakes deep in regret.
I threw my back out having sex last night. I don’t know whether to high five myself for a job well done or cry because I’m old.
You passed out in my backseat like a legitimate infant. A really drunk, really horny infant
I was just in the bathroom and some guy yelled all hail the king... i cant go anywhere without getting recognized anymore.
I just baptized you in budweriser and you were cool with it
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