People in love make me want to vomit
He's drunk and putting on a tie for the jimmy john's delivery guy
i feel like i am carryihg a baby. a baby made of alcohol.
I just found the gloves and lightbulb I stole. Did you pee on a ATM inside a bank?
All that fucking tequilla made my head feel like it's inside of a body builder's asshole. He's doing squats.
Also we saw a clown getting arrested. Rochester is weird.
Just opened up the freezer to find chocolate penis popsicles. Too hungover for this shit
Damn you. I'm in a bar with Southern Jesus Fearing Blah Blah Rednecks WHO ARE PROBABLY VOTING FOR TRUMP and you go radio silent.
Just tried to do a line with a snorkel I cut off... that is how my Aruba trip is going!
I think you're literally the first guy to ever pick up a chick from pinterest.
Totally just got spotted hitting the bowl by someone else hitting a bowl. We gave each other a head nod
Good morning! Spongebob is on channel 257 when you wake up. Help yourself to breakfast. You were great last night. See you when I get back.
I WANNA... wait, will you kinkshame me?
Nah.
I WANNA KNOW WHAT HE SMELLS LIKE
I know right, I would blow him just for the satisfaction he would taste like vodka
I'm about to take plan-b with a glass of wine and ramen noodles. I cannot decide who will hurt more...my vagina, my kidneys or my pride.
Randomize
