Tittie bar + Mother In law gone = mission accomplished.
I was in the bathroom throwing up...when I walked out he was sitting there watching porn and jacking off. He said, "Sounded like you were gonna be in there for a while."
He told me to pretend to be a shark, and he would slay me with his harpoon cock.
She forced me to throw up so it would "rejuvenate" me. It worked and then we took six more shots and did a keg stand. You know what I call that? Friendship.
How do you tell someone they are only invited if they put out?
I woke up with my bra stapled to the ceiling, her dad was in the hallway winking at me. I was the less drunk of the bunch.
I recommend you throw your keys as far as you can in one direction, your phone as far as you can in the opposite direction, and hold on.
Dad was on the deck drinking straight bourbon. He stopped, puked on his feet, and then continued drinking and talking about compound interest.
So do you want to hear how I got the hickey first, or how I got the black eye?
Sneezing cum all over the table was not the highlight of the family reunion if that tells you anything
On the upside, no one went to the hospital! Lex's friend was definitely on fire at one point last night though because he tried to juggle tiki torches. He was shirtless this morning and smelled like a BBQ.
So I definitely tried to pay a cab with baseball tickets last night
I tried to trade my phone for pizza last night. I guess I had priorities last night
The poop emoji wasn't even in my recents. Does that mean I'm growing up?
His wedding band got caught on my nipple ring and that's how I realized he was married
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