One minute shes telling me about her volunteer work then she whips out a 12 inch dildo
I'm having one of those days where I just want to lay in bed and beat off all day
hey everyone... booty call? my house tonight. bring friends to fuck my friends.
i'm as serious about my hair as jesse from full house.
that is uncle jesse to you, show some respect.
DRUNK CANOEING
Please text me if you survive.
LAND HO BITCH
she got kicked out of the bar for shoving german chocolate cake in the bartenders face. we were there less than a minute
The guy you fucked with the lazy eye is here, im avoiding contact by texting you. But i just looked up and he recognizes me, theres no way he doesnt. I'd remember the girl who called me quasimodo all night too. Sober me feels so bad.
Wait. Wine + Crossbow..?
Yeah I ended up covered in the mud by the end, in a lady bug golf cart that was blasting jazz music with a dead phone
I just used a thesaurus to write a sext...
Kellie accidentally ran into the car with two teenagers making out. made a big thud. there was a loud scream and she was gone...haven't seen her since
There's a baby in the strip club. I say again: THERE'S A BABY IN THE STRIP CLUB
I have chicken nuggets, lube and brand new batteries, he can stay at work charting all weekend for all I care, I'm set.
I got drunk and bought a house last night. Also, I threw up on Mike's lawn. I'm pretty excited about one of those two things.
Never. No amount of alcohol could convince my brain and eye sight that it is okay to fuck him. I'd rather fuck my cousin.
Randomize
