Just took career test that listed librarian and bartender as top career choices. Fascinating.
You kept telling me to "raw dog" your take home breathalyzer without the mouthpiece
You know, I never expected to find myself with a roommate who I'd have to ask not to have sex while I'm in the room. And yet, here we are.
Its okay I walked into your house, searched for my wallet in your purse, and took a shot of Tequilia all without eye contact, right?
she chugged a bowl of salsa and then gave my ferret weight loss tips. she's like my fucking spirit animal now
So I had a crappy evening so the fat girl in me says eat and cry and watch something sad. The cool girl in me says don't eat go run. So I'm watching family guy and doing crunches w a pickle in my mouth
Gross
AN ACTUAL PICKLE
He put himself in the friend zone by calling me dude all night so I blew his friend. Judge me.
The light burnt out and he thinks the power is out in the whole house. He is cooking a hog dog over two candles. I'm gonna see if he'll make me one
The ONE weekend I don't put anything up my nose, and it decides to bleed like crazy
I'd let you fuck my husband in the future, that's how much I love you
Does he know you were at a strip club taking shots of tequila right before you babysat his son?
that awkward moment when you use blowjob jokes as a segue into coming out as bi
I put on that one song on Titanic so he'd fall asleep. When I was positive he'd passed out in a drunken fit, he outstretches his arms and says "I'm flying, Jack.."
I will consider today a failure if my nipple isn't bitten at least 😂
Oh is THAT how we're gonna play mini golf
no, it was more of an i-don't-think-he-even-knows-what-a-clitoris-is, bad.
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