in jail i did the beyonce ass shake for the police officers & called Sally from my collect phone in my cell & started singing "im in JAAAIL IM IN JAAAIL",
I wonder if there will ever be a day where I don't find lisps really really hilarious.
I wish my mouth had a period so that could be my excuse on those days I don't feel like giving head
I just found a beer bottle in my xmas tree while disassembling it. God, I'm going to miss the holidays.
organizing the empties. That sober.
come back what if one of your parents walks in and im just sitting here eating a cheesesteak without you
Dude. It just hit me for a second time. My thumbs are huge and moving very quickly. Like stampeding buffalo...
My financial advisor filed my girlfriend's abortion under "investments" so my wife wouldn't find out
I dont have any paper so I'm writing class notes on my first response direction pregnancy paper. Judging eyes are all around.
i'm half naked talking to a cat. you don't have to justify your life to me.
I woke up naked on his boat with a cowboy hat on with a boat cover over me... Thank you tequila!
I played "in the air tonight" on a drum set made of titties, and I'm not even exaggerating
It was marvelous. I was drunkenly conversing with my professor in some of the best Spanish I've ever spoken.
So, were you planning on telling me you left your panties in my glovebox??
After we had sex he gave me a thumbs up... fucking A&M Aggies, man
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