If Rob Pattinson gets another fucking MTV award, I'm going to vomit.
At least he's not married... I hate Halloween hookups
he forgot there was a midterm today. i watched him break his own finger to get out of it.
We're all in the kiddie pool on the porch. Fully clothed. Watching porn. With my manager.
French fry pizza
Are you brilliant or just really high?
Can't it be both?
Okay. But I hope it isn't expensive lingerie. Because I'm ripping it off Hulk Hogan style.
Oh thank Jesus fuck for my shitty infertile womb. Crisis averted
I am coping with the snow storm with beer and shots of jack. If I were outside in shorts I might be able to pass as a Canadian.
Evvvvvveryone knows we hooked up in the DJ booth. People call it the BJ booth now. I've created a legacy
I spent most of the stoned conversation with my dad proving to him that the Newfoundland is an actual dog and NOT a Snuffaluffagus-esque figment of my stoned imagination, while laughing over the fact there is actually a place caller Dildo, Canada. Have YOU taken time to be a good dad today?
So apparently my mom hired someone who goes by "DJ Dog Dick" for the family christmas party?
I was playing 'If You Had To Fuck One or Die' with the old composite pictures with a guy in the bathroom line. They were all pretty ugly so I go "You can tell this is a lower tier frat"......turns out the guy was a brother
dude it was our first time and her hair caught on fire from the candles on the nightstand
There is no way that actually happened!
the smell of burnt hair covered up the sweaty sex smell.
I forget how to act sober
I know it's New Year's Eve but if you're going to have a bunch of chicks playing strip go fish in our apartment I need a heads up.
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