Segways are the fanny packs of transportation. Useful in some situations, but you always look like a tool when using one.
Hard to imagine a reason apart from blow jobs that I'm awake at 530 am.
you ever feel like there is a sober person insided you pointing and laughing....?
How do I tell my mom that she just went to the gym with my water bottle filled with vodka...
Just traded a samurai sword for some drugs. It's gonna be one random ass night
I was officially considered the drunkest person in cuba when the bartender at the swim up bar made me wear a life jacket for 'safety purposes'
Apparently, I kept going on about how i'm going to name my first born Ramen. I think this is a good parenting move.
He pulled out, and the resulting cumstain on my sheets is in the shape of a fetus. The irony of this is both awesome and terrifying.
RA just said I set the all time record for a student who lost houseing..30min..I was moveing out while my new roomate was moveing in. know of any off campous places to stay??
I feel like the fact that I slept with someone who dresses up like Batman a few times will never be lived down.
I can smell the sangria seeping out of my pores
Not at all! I'll let your potential employer know you have a huge dick
He KNOWS ALL THE WORDS TO "JESUS IS MY FRIEND", I swear if he even tries to pull shit with me I'm becoming an actual nun.
Dude she is fucking shit up. Her baby would be proud
My manager is trying to help me find a good career path, and I'm trying to find a professional way to tell him I just wanna smoke and fuck.
Randomize
