Tittie bar + Mother In law gone = mission accomplished.
I have got to lose weight!! Apparently no one wants to fuck a fat chick with herpes.
Nothing better then your mother meeting someone you randomly had sex with and him introducing himself as the guy who rocked her world once.
I wouldn't take my shot so you poured it on my face. Twice.
Nothing will ever prepare you for the moment when you are sitting on your friends bathroom floor with no pants on eating string cheese & pita at 2am.
Oh and I guess I added our cab driver on Facebook. He has "liked" every single one of my beach pictures. Kill me now.
Also, just had a student offer to sell me Xanax. Want some? Just for like a rainy day. Or our memorial day shitshow. Or just another Wednesday night.
Okay. How did someone manage to piss on TOP of a urinal? What giant is roaming around with a prick five feet from the ground?
I should've realized you were drunk when you began to point at my crotch while yelling "Funland!!!"
There's no discreet way to sneak a cucumber into the shower lol
Okay so how much boob would you consider inappropriate for smart casual?
I've been rehabbing my soul with cheese and wine lately
All I'm saying is Europe has not been easy on my vagina.
Had sex on your trumpet just an fyi.
Yoooooo, the fat magician married the chick I dumped a beer on after I got pissed he was flirting with her in front of me
Randomize
