Ok pretty sure I just saw Mike O'Malley walking through the parking lot. I wanted to see if I followed him, would he lead me to the acro-criag, i've always wanted a crack at that bitch.
I just came to the conclusion that the most depressing part of my day is when I have to put clothes on.
At the doctor. They're doing a flu test now. He was like "where do you think you got this?" I said "bachelor party. Strippers." he goes "okaaaay I'll put 'other'."
make sure i look cute passed out on the couch.
I swear to god I'm going to hunt down and stab the next telemarketer that calls from a blocked number while I'm waiting for my STD results...
so went to the condom shack today. bought a condom that dresses up your dick in a suit...tomorrow im fucking in style
He's drunk and putting on a tie for the jimmy john's delivery guy
did you find a tooth?
did you lose one?
Dude you're alone at a bar with a woman, and you're talking about my junk?
Ok spinning in the opposite direction thatg the room was spinning was the worst advice ever
I want you to read this conversation tomorrow and be proud of the fact that you taught me how to decipher any drunk message. Good job.
I did not have sex with him because he had a puppy…finding out he had a husky pup waiting back at home was just an unexpected plus
I never realized how weird our shower smells until I cracked a shower beer and had a familiar aroma to compare it to.
She tried doing a backflip and ended up doing somersaults down the entire stair case.
The girl at the liquor store remembered me as "the girl who pays in hundreds" so she didn't ID me
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