I just saw a neon sign in a bar window that says, "open to Public" but the L is burnt out.
I hope that the reason I've been psycho on him is that I'm pregnant and not just psycho.
my feelings for you are synonymous with those of a grizzly bear and salmon. i don't want to nom on you; but i need you to survive
Sure, fine. Daughter just told me she is not a virgin anymore. I am gonna start drinking now
According to google history I spent most of last night trying to buy an elephant.
just used my nephews bottle to take my birth control
a kid puked on the floor and instead of, you know, cleaning it they cut a square out of the carpet with a boxcutter and threw it outside
Gina was bawling her eyes out and then she ran into the street and peed. she kept screaming "LOOK WHAT YOUVE DONE TO ME"
Is it rude if I don't go?
No. It is not rude if you don't go to her cat's Star Wars themed birthday party.
You said you brought chipotle into a movie and I asked you to marry me and you said yes
The last two times I had sex with him I forgot who it was half way through
I feel like a bottle of fireball rented a bull dozer and ran me over until I was left without a shred of my dignity
You know how I said I hit my head so hard I saw two of him and tried to make out with both? Well, it turns out he has a twin.
When a guy invites you to dinner and breakfast the next day it's implied that he's going to make some sweet loving in betwixt correct?
like, you weren't just lying there, you were wrapped in what appeared to be the skin of a wolf, chanting doomsday prophecies
THE END IS NEIGH
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