I feel like if im whacking off more now that i have a gf than i did when i was single, somethings wrong.
her nipple to breast ratio was just odd
Dude my date hates me, Im on a rooftop full of Turkish people, and Ricky Martin is blasting on the radio. I was wrong earlier when I said I have my shit together
I wish a night of watching Dear John and a bottle of wine could cure my herpes.
drunk enough to think that masterbating in the pool is an awesome idea
you said you wanted to feel how much my penis weighed for educational purposes
We found you naked curled up in a ball in the closet, using a gorilla suit as a blanket
Why would you fall asleep? This is why i cant drink with my lesbian friends anymore. They take my clothes off and get vodka in my top ramen. Only yoouuu can prevent forest fires.
I shit you not, me and my date were in that bar and within a 10 minute window, 4 ex gf's entered. Every one clocked me and gave me evils. I swear they're conspiring.
Just peed out a window, not entirely sure it's open. Can't tell. I'll find out in the morning.
So I have to send you an email about my weekend, heretofore referred to as The Perfect Weekend. Wherein I have lots of awesome sex with a guy with THE MOST AMAZING BODY.
I look forward to this email. I will respond with, Condoms and Creepers: The Adventures of Online Dating.
I swear if you get so drunk that I have to sing Bohemian Rhapsody to you again to get you to come out of the bathroom I'm leaving you at the bar this time.
No alcohol sales on Election Day. WTF? Today, of all days, I need to be splurged to to vote for any of these morons running for president.
Now I have the opportunity to have Chris Pratt or Channing Tatum?!? What a time to be alive.
He asked me to describe my life outside work. I responded with "Home-wrecker.
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