I'm fucking him on the second date. I don't give a fuck what Patti Stanger says.
Yeah, you spent an hour in front of the mirror trying to reenact the Sailor Moon theme song.
So Easter dinner for me was at 4:40 this morning where i made Bagel Bites and had a glass of Chardonnay
I wish I could tell you that the worst thing that happened last night was how he got thrown out of a stripclub for vomitting on the girl giving him a private lapdance. I wish I could tell you that and not be lying.
beyond obliterated. i recall legitimately trying to use a ballpoint pen as eyeliner.
Synchronized big wheels back flips off the second floor roof. Good idea or great idea?
Waking up to find your mom holding your birth control pills and telling you I suggest you take this
When he sent me a picture, I swear my vag frowned. That tiny.
I tried to high-five the cop last night. he just looked at my raised hand and told me to go to bed.
He was supposed to visit me tonight but he decided to stop in Tacoma so now I'm sitting on my bed naked eating oranges and candy corn while I watch Parks and Rec.
Now I have to hook up with him tomorrow DURING THE DAY.
It's like a harem of immaturity and bad ideas...and that's coming from me
After that song played in the club all he kept drunkenly saying was "Birdman goes brrrrrr"
My balls are resting on a block of frozen cheese in a sealed bag
I really need to stop sending pussy pics if I'm going to be running for state representative in November
I'm reading the Hobbit in my blanket fort alone with a bottle of wine... all I need is dungeons and dragons to complete this superfecta of awesome
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