Pregnancy confirmed. Complete emotional instability achieved. I just cried through 95% of Avatar.
Just bought two budlight beers with a can of tuna at the bar
He talks to me in this sweet I know you might be pregnant voice.
I am trying to think of a way to tell him about thanksgiving and the following weekend in a way that makes me sound funny and exciting and not like an alcoholic
Im sorry that my initial plan of you grabbing his dick didnt work out but Im glad you grabbed his heart
I just saw that blonde chick you wanna bang rolling down the hall wearing a Thor mask..
Wow. We're meant to be..
First time on E and Chris took me to a petsmart during puppy day. I might die of pure awesomeness.
Tell me why I woke up spooning a hamburger like it was a teddy bear.
You should kill a bro for me and drag his carcass home so I can study him.
So Doritos and vodka was obviously not as good an idea as I thought at the time.
Did I come home in a police car last night? id come downstairs to ask you but i dont think my legs work anymore
Masturbating to the DNC live stream. Not my proudest moment
So as you were leaving, you leaned on the table too much and 3 glasses slid and fell to the floor. You then looked at me and said "To be honest, glass isnt that expensive anyways" and stumbled out of the bar.
I turn 40 next week. I deserve to celebrate the end of my 30’s with a 21 year old dick
Pretty sure my aunt hooked up with one of my brothers frat brothers at his graduation party
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