Do you realize that Last night you pissed in my closet and then walked to the bathroom to wash your hands?
genius alert. I just invented a contraption made of toilet paper and rubber bands that makes it so your balls don't stick to your leg when you wake up from sleeping. I call it, The Balldozer
living well may be the best revenge, but it doesn't hurt that my exhusband is now dating a BEAST.
Lady with a stroller in a bar. Think she's out of my league?
I would pay so much money for a video of you fucking a sheep
This has been your unwelcomed wake-up call, brought to you by exes united. Have a good day, to opt out please type "STOP", to continue but act as though they do not exist please enter "DON'T CARE" for random daily wake up texts by exes united please press "PSYCHO!"
You know when you can feel the alcohol in your toes? That's a great feeling.
Either I'm paranoid or I swear my parents rigged my house so you can never sneak in or have the munchies without being loud.
THERE IS SOMEONE IN MY CAR MILKING HERSELF AND TELLING ME TO TRY IT
You get home ok?
Uh, you stopped by my house at 4 am and woke me up, so yeah.
Steve brought 6 joints and 2 bottles of makers mark, Josh shat himself in the pool, and Amy blew me. Hope that extra 3 dollars an hour for working overnights is still worth it.
I just masturbated and watched youtube makeup videos, which was just an extension of masturbation.
If he doesn't get here soon I'm taking off my thong and eating his dinner.
I need to be put in a corner surrounded by pamphlets of stds and babies
Compositionally, that's actually a really nice picture.
And your penis looks really nice too.
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