i woke up, turned over, and noticed an assortment of knives stuck in my wall. i should prob stop drinking
1. I feel like Jello 2. The girl i hooked up with last night isn't here and a different girl is lying next to me. 3. I have no clothes on 4. Can guys go on walks of shame?
Can you check your dirty laundry bag for my tooth.
Turns out my drunken logic and wordsmithing isn't quite the same as the sober version. I'm pretty sure I made fun of the managers mom at one point
the only consolation to the fact that i puked in public today was that i did it down a storm drain... so at least i am a responsible public puker
I had a dream she was puking on me, but sadly in real life she was puking on me too
we drunk the bar out of liquor so the guy was selling us bottles of wine for $2a each. Only good thing to come outta this flood
I just high fived you brother at the bar then immediately realized my hands smell like your vagina
He is dust bro dust in the wind I waited in this unlocked car long enough.
He gave me a beer, petted my head, and called me kiddo.
its like my brain is a tree and you are those little cookie elves
Should I take a fireball shot or brush my teeth?
my new years resolution to eat more toast and mastrubate more often is going well so far.
decided to jump from one of the levels of the Westin chicago Nortghwest. it was worth the broken legs.
Turns out the guy I did all that coke with the other night is a cop
We're dating now
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