Omfg I am plowed. Had drinks with 3 milfs. Going out on their boat tomorrow. They want to show me how buoyant they are.
My mom's crying. That means it must be Christmas.
Why do I feel like I'm not the only one drinking to make my night class teacher look better?
I might have been fine if i had magic teleportation powers and could have skipped the car ride between bar and home
My professor just told me I'm living a lie and I found puke on my pants. How do you think it's going?
Careful, it's a slippery slope to discovering you're bisexual...trust me.
Brownies hit. And just found beer. And the bill cosby show is on. And its in spanish.
the manly guy you want to date so badly? he's at the club. as a drag queen. wearing higher heels than you own. think about that.
He took a girl home tonight that he was trying to sell a fridge to. She wanted a fridge and got his dick. He's got a talent.
Just casually ripping a bowl in the chicken coop, with the chickens. NBD
Remind me never to smoke before babysitting again. Ate an entire bottle of children's gummy vitamins.... not an easy thing to explain to parents.
He started a convo with me by saying that we went to high school together and then recommended I try meth.
It gave me the St Patrick's Day nickname Slutty McShitfaced. I've never felt so understood.
in the middle of telling this chick to sober up i was shotgunning beers. im gonna be ab awsome nurse.
I need to stop being so honest when I'm drunk. I got proposed to by a stranger again last night. It's not my fault that I would be perfectly ok making sandwiches and giving blow jobs for the rest of my life.
Randomize
